Although she husband did slipping in and out of a coma for several months, dis bannah wife stay by 'e bedside every single day.
When 'e finally ketch 'e self, 'e call she. Wen she siddung pun de bed near 'e, 'e seh,
"Yu know ? Yu' deh wid mi wen t'ing bad."
"When ah las' de wuk, yu comfort mi.
Wen ah went bankrupt and las' mi business, yu stay wid mih.
Wen ah get shoot, yu deh by mi side.
Wen we las' de 'ouse, yu support mi.
Even though mi health start fail, yu still deh by mi side..."
Now ah think 'bout it, it look like yu crass mi."
Ah want a divorce...
Guyanese, deh always wah breeze.....ah lady dat ah know tell meh de addah day dat she muddah come from Guyana fuh spen a few weeks wit she an she driving she up de wall.
She seh dat everyday she muddah complaining dat she in getting enough breeze, dat de place hat-hat ... Meh fren decide dat befoe she guh to wuk she gun lef de door open suh she muddah cun get some breeze.
Eheh ?!! wen she guh back home in de aftahnoon she see she muddah "swell up", she complaining dat de place suh hat, dat she cuddn't tek a lil res.
Meh fren tell she muddah ... wel why yuh didnt tek a walk outside caws it cool ....de muddah seh to she ... well ah cuddnt guh an tek ah walk caws yuh lef de door open.....
-- Romesh Singh
The man of the house!
Harry had a rowdy wife. The woman could pelt mo' blows than a boxer wid ten hands, especially when she had a broom in she hand! One day she corner Harry unda the bed and blows flying all 'cross he head! Whaddax! Whaddax! She peltin' blows and she bawlin':
Wife: You call yourself a man? Come out here and tek your blows like a man!
Harry bobbin' and weavin' and tryin' to dodge, but he couldn't get away from the blows! So he start bawl for he neighbor Thomas.
Harry: Thomas! Thomas! Help me! Ah gettin' mi ass buss! Ow, man! Come help you drinkin' pardner, nuh!
Well, Thomas hear he pardner and he come runnin' over to Harry house to see what going on. When he see how the woman got Harry, he tell he:
Thomas: Man, Harry. What happen to you, man. You ent the man o' the house?
Harry: Yeah ...
Thomas: Well, talk for yourself nuh.
Harry: Dammit, Thomas! You damn right! I is the man o' the house and whatever I say, goes ...! And I say I ent coming out from unda dis damn bed!
Fat Boy lillest daughter was coming of age. Man, the girl was looking good! Fat Boy decide that this one in gun marry any foreigner, scientist, or any other such good-for-nothing! She got to marry the bravest man in the land! So he arrange a competition by he air-conditioned pig pen behind the Gardens. He had a squad a soldiers dig a deep pond about 100 foot across and full the pond with pirai (piranha, the deadly man-eating fish). The rules wuz simple. Any man who could swim across the pond gun marry he daughter! He put a big ad in the newspapers announcing the competition for Sunday morning, 9 o' clock sharp.
Well, by 9 o' clock a big crowd already show up, everybody surrounding the pond, including Fat Boy and he daughter on the far side. The first man to try, jump in the pond and start swim. Before he could swim 20 foot the pirai eat he out. When the water clear, all you could see was he skeleton. Man, everybody was frightened!
After about 15 minutes, another banna volunteer. He walk up to the edge and plunge. Before he could hit the water, the pirai eat he out, right in mid air! Boy, well now everybody di' really frighten. Everybody just stand up wid their hands fold, looking at one another.
All of a sudden, a banna fly in the water and start swimming like hell for the other side, with a whole bunch a surprised pirai right behind he! He mek it to the other side and jump out right in front of Fat Boy and he daughter. The crowd was going wild, clapping and shouting!
But then Fat Boy daughter notice that the banna was a rasta, and she seh, "Daddy, I in wan' marry no rasta! I can't handle that i-tol food!"
Well, wha' Fat Boy gun do now, wid everybody watching?. So he seh, "Look, banna, ah gun give you anything you want if ___".
Rasta: "Anything I want? Anything I want? All I want right now is to catch the person that push me in deh!"
Cussbert Snr gets home from work and finds Jnr in tears.
Snr: Wha' di' hell 'appen to you, Junior?
Jnr: Daddy, ah get licks 3 times in school today ...
Snr: 3 times? A bright boy like you? How da 'happen?
Jnr: Di' maths teacher ask me, "What is 2 times 3?", an' ah tell he 6. Then he ask me, "What is 3 times 2?"
Snr: Wait, wait. Is not the same c***, man?
Jnr: Same thing ah ask he ...
Snr: Aright. Aright. Wha' else you get licks fa?
Jnr. In the Science class, di' teacher ask me to hold the black wire. Then he tell me to hold the red wire ...
Snr: Wha?! You know you could f*** youself up like tha'?
Jnr: Same thing ah tell he ...
Snr: Aright. Aright. Wha' bout the other one?
Jnr: This was in the P.E. class ...
Snr: P.E.? Wha' you could get licks in P.E. fa?
Jnr: The teacher tell we to form a line in front he. Then he say fo lift up we left leg. Then he say fo lift up we right leg.
Snr: Wait, wait. So wha' you gun stand up pon? Your dick, or wha'?
Jnr: Same thing ah ask he!
Ever hear the one 'bout the banna sellin' insurance? Well, his wife was in Public Hospital expectin' baby anytime! The banna nervous as hell, but he still had to ride he motorcycle all over Georgetown, trying to sell insurance and "catch he hand" before the baby come. But every now and then he would call the hospital to find out how things going.
Well, you know the hospital. First of all, you can't get through to them. The phone would ring and ring, and nobody would pick it up. Finally, when somebody pick it up, they gun say, "Wha' you want? ... Oh, you want t'know if you wife get baby, eh? Ah could see three a dem in the nursery from here. Wha you own look like? ... You ent know? You sure you is de fadda? ... Look, we don't give out infamation to strangers!" [Bradang!]
That does only mek he mo' nervous! "And why the hell she can't get baby right pon time? Schuuups! An ah hope she don't get twins, man. She mammy get two twins, and ah hear it does run in the family!" he gun think to heself. Dammit!
He try to call the hospital again and he ent getting through, as usual. Finally, the lines get crossed and he get on Bourda cricket ground, just in time to hear a voice at the other end say, "SIX OUT AND FOUR MORE TO GO!!!" The banna nearly drop the phone and faint! He put it back quick to he ear just in time to hear,"AND THE LAST ONE WAS A DUCK!!!"
There was dis ole lady who walk into Barclays bank in Water St., GT. She had a 10 lb paper bag, full ah $20 bills. Anyway, she walk up to de cashier gal and seh in the best british accent she has: Young lady, I want to open an account, and I have a really big deposit to make.
"Let me see your manager, because he is the only person I can trust."
De cashier was really upset about dis insult, but she rememba dat de customer is "always right"
So, she call de manager, who chacked out de bag, and invited dis ole lady into he office. All dis time, de bank manager really curious. (Of course, he is local!)
So, he ask: Ma'm, if it pleases you, where did you get all this money from?
Ole lady: I bet.
Manager: So, you visit the tracks or do you bet in the horse race parlours? The parlours are dangerous you know.
Ole lady: No, I just make personal bets. Would you like to make a personal bet with me, young man?
Manager: That depends.
Ole lady: I will bet you that exactly at 8.30 am tomorrow, your balls will become square. Let us bet $100, 000.
Manager, agreeing to the bet and thinking: I can win that. All my life, these jewels have been the same way,
there's no way they will change overnite.
After de ole lady leff, de manager still nat wanting to tek chances, decide to cancel he cricket match dat afternoon, tek a taxi rather than ride home. All went well, de jewels remain de same. Dis fella really checking!
Anyway, the next maaning, de ole lady show up with a fella, who by his looks alone, had to be a lawyer (which he was).
De ole lady insisted to see de jewels. Manager sehs, OK.
De ole lady sehs: I have to be sure. I want to feel them to be really
sure. manager sehs, OK.
As soon as de ole lady start to check, de manager noticed de lawyer started to bang his head pon de desk, really hard too.
Fearing de worse, de manager ask: What is his problem?
De ole lady sehs: Oh, don't worry with him. He just lost a bet we made. You see, I bet him that I can have the manager by the balls, and he did not believe. For that, he has to pay me $500,000.
It was nice doing business with you, sonny!
Charlie was in court answering charges of stealing a rifle. Here is how it went:
Judge: How do you plead, Charlie?
Charlie: Not guilty, Your Honor.
Judge: How did you come by this rifle, Charlie?
Charlie: Your Honor, I had this rifle since it was a lil', lil' pistol!
Judge: Well, in that case, Charlie, I will have to send you Mazaruni prison (maximum security prison in Guyana) 'till it grow into a big, big cannon!
Tekkin' Mo Breeze
Ah tell yahall boys dat dis breeze tin is a Guyanese ting ... my muddah, she come back de addah day from Canada an California.
Eheh???!!! I come home from wuk waan afternoon an ah see she siddown lookin vex, suh ah seh wha happen ... De place hat-hat, ah cyant do nuttin how it suh hat.
Ah seh ... why yuh din put de airconditioner ahn den?.... she seh if ah put de airconditioner ahn, den she wuddah had to close de windows an den she gun cyan get any breeze.
As ah seh dis breeze ting gat to be a Guyanese ting....
-- Romesh Singh
There was dis big mouth parrot living up in the tree, saying how he is big and bad etc. Sad part is that everybody believe him too.
Anyway, one day, dis chicken hawk come flying around to see what he can pick up in de yard. So, he land pun de tree and start to survey de place.
Den, de chicken hawk spot the parrot in between all de leaves and branches. Next ting you know, Mr Chicken Hawk trying to mek Mr parrot a meal. So, de chicken hawk pulling out feathers like crazy.
De other animals around seeing a dis green feathers flying around, start to get second thoughts about Mr Parrot.
Finally, de goat says: Hey parrot, if you bin so big and bad, how come de chicken hawk beating you fuh so?
Mr Parrot: Who you saying getting beat up? Me, I am now taking off me shirt to start fighting!
The boys get together as usual on Friday after work at the rum shop to kick off the weekend in fine style. They buy a large bottle of El Dorado rum, break the seal, and started to pass the bottle around to each man at the table.
Each man pour his usual "shot" of about a quarter glass, and add some "chaser" to the rum and ice. When the bottle get round to Hardat, he pour his usual shot, then he cupped his left hand and pour some rum into it too.
Well, of course everyone was surprised, and asked, "What you doing, Hardat? You glutton or what?"
Said Hardat, "Wait. What happen to you all, man? Ah can't even pour a drink fuh mi woman, or what?"
(Well this one is from Trinidad, but it is still funny!)
A feller was visiting St. Ann's one day, eh, and as he entered the gate, he see some fellers playing cricket on the grounds. One feller was bowling, man, if y' see fast ball and thing, then he throw in a few googlies to catch the batman off guard; the batman in the crease making one set a pretty strokes, eh, Brian Lara don't want nothing with him; a next one ruuning and making all kind of big dive and big jump in the air to catch the ball, he not letting a ball get by him; a next one umpiring and signalling for fours and sixes, all kind of thing.
The feller stand up and watching all this action, straining his eyes hard to see the bat and the ball, but wondering when he ain't seeing none. When he couldn't take the jamming no more, he look around the place to see who he could talk to about this thing. Finally, his eyes make four with a feller sitting down on a bench, smoking a cigarette, and watching the cricketers kind of nervously.
The feller walk over to the man to strike up a conversation about the cricket match. He titivay for a while, then he tell the man, "ey, boy, I never see nothing so yet. What y' think 'bout that match, boy. Y' ain't see what them fellers and them over there doing, boy? Boy, is a complete, complete cricket match them fellers and them playing, hitting ball for four and six and thing. Man making big jump for the ball and thing. Man knocking down man stump and man arguing how is the wind what knock down their bail. Boy, I never see nothing so yet; I only looking, but I ain't seeing no bat and no ball. Them fellers playing cricket without a bat and ball."
The man who sit down take a few more nervous puffs on the cigarette, one eye on the feller and one on the cricketers. He ain't answer the feller, eh. He only looking at the cricketers, nervous, nervous.
"Boy, what y' think about what them fellers doing? Y' ever see a man play cricket without bat and ball?" the feller ask again.
The smoker say, "hmh. Hmh. Hmh. Boy, y' think is one watch I watching them. Y' think is one watch I watching them. I come out here to relax, smoke a cigarette and thing, y' know. Me ain't give an arse what none of them fellers do . . . as long as none of them ain't hit me with the ball."
The incident decribed below happened in the pre-indepencence days in Guyana. Who know, it may even be considered as a part of our history! Here goes:
The Governor General was making a visit to the Mental Asylum, commonly referred to as Berbice Mad House or BMH.
As he was walking around in the compound, an inmate ran up to him wait a cutlass in his hand. The GG, fearing the worst, took off like a donkey doused with turpentine. Man, if you see de GG running.
The madman kept on chasing the GG for a long time, slowing up when the GG slowed up, and speeding up when the GG sped up.
Finally, the GG could not go any more, so he drop down on the ground. The mad man came up to him, with a big smile on his face.
GG, blowing very hard: "Ok fella, I give up. Go ahead and chop me up. I don't care anymore"
Mad man, still smiling: "Get up. Get up, mi seh"
The GG slowly get up on his wobbly legs.
Mad man: "Here, tek dis cutlass. Is now yuh turn fuh chase me"
The Man Above
A man goin to wuk every day, wukkin hard fuh mek a dollar so he could keep he wife in some fancy clothes and ting. Problem is, every day as soon as he gone, she got a whole set o sweet man in de place. Monday is Tom, Tuesday is Dick Wednesday is Harry etc.
One day de man gon an de boys get dey calendar mix up and two o dem meet up in de place. Well, after some confusion de boys decide no need to fight. You know all man gaffa live.
In de middle o de festivities de man come back home early, an dem boys got no place to run. So one o dem hide up in de roof and de other one hide in de closet.
Well de husband long suspect sumpn goin on. So he did intend fuh fin out dat day, an wuss yet, he bring he cutlish fuh fly some chop.
He come in and ask she: "Who you got in me house, woman?"
She say: "Ow man, Oscar. I aint got nobody in hey. Ask de man above."
Now de man in de roof feel she talking bout he.
He holler out: "Doan ask me ask de man in de closet."
De man in de closet holler: "Doan ask me neither, I ain't know nothin. I waitin hay fuh de bus!"